TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, town historically known for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed through the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully out of position. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But yes, absolutely sure, let's have another position exactly where American Adult males can have on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: present Anyone a collection about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It is really that he must cease making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the challenge, replied, "You understand, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head visible from Area, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… well, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after acquiring the setting up's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It can be not simply unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Features


Probably the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where company may contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Eternally."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is previously attracting focus from Worldwide investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll purchase 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may even involve:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort where by my PTSD may have transform-down support."


A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Views in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

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